...and I reflect.

Its xmas morning here in Namibia. I'm laying down here in the room wearing a white tank top and my setenge. My pink rag in on my head and I'm wearing no make up. I'm listening to My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, Kanye's new album, which btw is Utterly Ridiculous. There's like energy flowing through my body like currents everytime i hear another song. I'm laying down reflecting on the year that was. It makes me smile thinking about Ashley back in January. <<She was certifiable. She was angry. She was depressed. She was overwhelmed. She insisted on digging a hole, 12ft not 6. In term one of this school year she thought she could fight every battle. Why else would she be here then to create positive change? She fought about corporal punishment. She fought about misuse of funds. She fought about housing. She fought about time management, organization, dedication, ownership. She fought with the principal, the vice, the teachers. When it was all said and done, at the end of term 1, nothing changed. "Why the fuck am I here if these people don't want my help?" she asked. And while the answers were in the cosmos, she remained angry and lost. To attain much needed stress relief, she set off to South Africa for vacation and returned for Term 2 refreshed and ready to go. She started the term off well. The kids seemed to be performing at a higher level than before. Ashley decided to try a different approach and incorporate subject matter that was relevant to her learners. No longer did she follow the English text books expecting them to supply her learners with the information they needed to be contributing and successful members of society. For grade 7 the themed topic for the term was HIV/AIDS education, or more specifically, sex education. The problem with AIDS education is that its importance is reduced because its so oversaturated. The main issues exposed are condom use and multiple-concurrent partners, but hardly any information about sex itself. It started out during HIV/AIDS Awareness week when she asked her learners if they wanted to put on a play for the school. They loved the idea. The classes got together with Miss Brown to create a storyline. Their play went as follows: a student snuck out of the hostel at night and went to the bar. She drinks alcohol with a group of older men, has sex with a few of them and ends up pregnant. She gets kicked out of school and is sent to her father's farm. After a few months she starts showing and is sent to town to go to the hospital. Now she needs to find out who the father is out of 4 possible men. The girl is HIV positive and the men must get tested also. 2 of the 4 men also test positive and one of them is the father. The girl dies giving birth and the father dies when the child turns 11. The last scene is the girl going in for counseling. This tragic, yet common story, was drafted by a class of 7th graders. In class, she created a question box that was read during designated times throughout the week. Frequent questions were about what sex is and how to make a baby. Interesting questions were about putting hair perm on their vagina to stop their menstral cycle. She held in depth discussions about the construction of their sexuality and even issues like masturbation. It is against everything Miss Brown believes to teach abstinence, so condoms are readily available at all times in her class. Up to this point, Sex Education was by far the most successful task she chose to tackle. Another project was proposed, to teach English to the matrons and community members in the evening. Ashley loved these classes, they were so fulfilling for her. She had a common ground with Namibians. An understanding of wanting to learn and wanting to teach. While they all spoke English on some level they "wanna speak like Miss Brown." Stepping outside of herself for a moment, she realized that she had a primary AND secondary project that was working. This is all a Peace Corps Volunteer could ever ask for. So now that her professional life was taken care of, she spent time to focus on herself. She knew that being angry is not what she wanted from this experience. She didn't leave everything she knew and loved to be depressed. How could she justify leaving when she was neither happy nor feeling like she was doing what she went there do. So she left it behind. Aiming to explore her innerself through a series of spiritual tasks, she quickly attained the level of consciousness she needed to happily continue her experience. Sure, all of the issues that were there before still existed, but she chose not to let those things affect her life anymore than they already had. In a long moment of weakness she allowed the things around her dictate her moods, her emotions, her behavior even. She was stronger than that and she knew it. The power of her mind was incredible. She grew past all that was negative. Term 3 of school was a sweet walk in the park. Sex education with grade 6 and human rights with grade 7. Evening English classes remained. Only 2 weekends spent out of the village, birthday and thanxgiving. She began to love the village. She preferred to be there, in her own space, in her own house, living her beautifully simple African life. >> I'm so excited about next year. I can't wait to start teaching again. Can't wait to be back home in the village. Can't wait to see my former 6th graders as 7th graders. There's so much we can do. They understand me. I understand them. I have a poultry project I've been playing close to the chest. I'll give more info when everythings a go. Otherwise, you all should know that I'm doing very well. Spiritually, I'm in a good place. With that said, everything else falls into place. I meant everything I said in the Real World post just to make a point that this is in no way easy. But don't mistake that for anger, I just don't want people acting like I'm on some vacation. I just refuse to always be on stress mode. I refuse to go return home next year angry about this experience. Earlier this year, i would've gave anything to fast forward to next year. Now, I'm good. I understand how volunteers stick it out despite the most ridiculous circumstances. For example, the volunteer that was at my site before me is like the model pcv, she even did a third year. In the beginning I couldn't understand how she would want to stay here after dealing with all the shit in our school and village. But I get it now. I, like her, chose to focus on the things that work. Focus on things that you can change, battles you can win. I could still be angry, frustrated, stressed out, but that doesn't help anyone. She came to visit before leaving Namibia about a month ago and we really vibed, now I was a year in and had seen what she saw. Its all love. Imma wrap this up tho. Bout to go make my xmas chicken. I made my corn pudding yesterday. Think i'll whip up some fancy green beans. Chow down wit a pineapple soda and watch me some Boston Legal, that is if I can find it in myself to take out this Kanye. Since i started writing this, its played 5x. I can only think of 1 way this xmas could be better...