Damn...here we go again.

Easter Weekend

So for some reason good Friday is a national holiday and we also get what they call “easter Monday” off. Whatevs, I'll take it. So Thursday morning (4/1) I asked my principal if I could drive with him to town, so 1 I wouldn't be squished and 2 I wouldn't have to pay. He says sure, but tells me to get ready now cuz we're leaving soon. So I ended up missing half the school day, but my classes are always on task so no big deal. So, anytime my principal and I are alone he feels the need to inform me of the cultural norms of Herero men, both as a warning and just to be informative. So he starts talking to me about the girlfriends that he's been 'allowed' to have over the years and the process in which he gets them. So he tells his wife that he's interested in some lady and points her out. His wife is then supposed to go talk to this woman and inform her that her husband wants to be able to come over and 'sleep' with her. The woman can accept or decline. Should she accept, the wife gives her a list of 'duties' that she will be expected to do. Now this can range from anything sexual to domestic things. Like, if the wife will be out of town, this women will need to come over to cook and clean, etc etc. I'm like blown away by all this, and how chill his wife is with it. So then he tells me how he picked his wife. He said it came down to her or this other woman. So he brought both of them in his bed, there was a spare bed on the floor, and as he wished they would simply, switch. Not allowing that conversation to go any further into detail, his current wife came out on top, so to speak.

Then finally here we arrive in town pretty early, it was only about 11h00. So I go in the house, sit my stuff down and get situated for a min, then head off to town. It was dumb ass crowded cuz of the coming holiday and it was a pay day weekend. Hella people, everywhere. So to no surprise I ran into like 30 people that knew me, from my village, to people that work there in town, to people that remember me from Okahandja! What? So just grabbed a few basic things and headed back. I had to go to the Ministry of Ed to drop off my electricity receipts cuz I'm not supposed to be paying, but I have been. (Like N$50/wk)

Then back to the house, chilled for a while and let some friends know I was here for the weekend. They decided we should go out tonight. So I got picked up around 19h00 and we went to the location to some place that was pretty chill. Mostly older people were there so I wasn't gonna have to worry about riff raff. As I was being introduced, one of the men held out his hand and said, “halo oshilumbu.” (So in case you've missed the previous posts, otjirumbu (or oshilumbu depending on which tribe I'm with) means white person.) And I replied, “No, I am NOT white, but my name is Ashley, hello.” They all started laughing, always surprised that I understand when I'm being called white. So this evening I was in the Ovambo part of the location, just a different tribe. It was cool, they were chill, everyone was nice and respectful. We called it a night. Smooth kick off to a 4 day weekend.

Friday was good Friday so nothing was open. I stayed in all day. I washed my hair and put it up, it'd been down for the last month or so. Nikki and I just chilled, we watched some of season 3 of Secret Diary of a Call Girl, btw I freakin love that show, so interesting. And played a card game a few times accompanied by wine, then called it a night.

For some odd reason I slept in til like 9 on Saturday. Once I got myself together I ate a cheese roll (a bread roll with cheese melted to the top) then headed out for the day. I went to Mendos and got my edges trimmed. I'm starting to notice a pattern. Every time I come I always have to wait. Last time he said it was just so the clippers can cool, this time he said he just wanted to sit out front for a min, and of course I was to be there with him. Who does this? The small talk was brief so I was in his chair within 10 mins. Then I was out in 10. All my barbershop visits are pretty much the same, so no need to go into that again. It was almost 2 and I was noticing that everything was closing. Why? So I walk around the corner to buy electricity for the next two weeks. Now its 14h00 and like everything is closed but I still need to get tomatoes and mushrooms for our pizza Nikki would be making. I get up to Spar and the guard is blocking the door. I'm like, Damn. There are 5 people knocking on the door pleading for him to open, but he wouldn't budge. WARNING: Cockiness Ahead: So I walk up. This guard always takes a special interest when I come into the store, I am always greeted, sometimes am given a basket, and never have to check in my bags with the outside closet. He sees me and I raise 2 fingers, indicating that I only need 2 things. He smiles and opens the door letting all six of us in to do our last minute shopping before the holiday weekend continues. End Cockiness, I'm just sayin.

So I get another invitation to hang out in the location again. I get picked up around 19h00. We go to this area where its just a row of bars and clubs. We go inside to get drinks, then hang out in the front, against the wall. I mean, I may as well'd had one foot hatched back against the wall. We were just chillin. People watching I suppose. I was introduced to the owner of the club and a few of his friends, we would be with them for the rest of the night. The owner, noticing how at ease I was and how much I seemed to 'fit' there with them (I guess as opposed to being all prissy and 'too good' to be around here, around them) he says, “ I like your style, hangin with us Black people like this,” and with sincerity I replied, “Ya'll my people, its nothin.” So to my immediate left there are a crowd, even mix of men and women, also even mix of drunk and sober. Two of the men put on a hell of a show...for, me. Every other word was Nigga this, Nigga that. The part that killed me was that their use was accurate, in the sense that a foreigner can say the word but use it in the wrong context (even with all the possible contexts available). One of them was a teacher I met previously, he knew I was American so he was laying it on eeextra thick. Initially, it was funny. HaHaHa, ok, you're drunk and you're trying to impress the shiny American, I get it. But as I listened closer, they were using the words that came directly from rap songs, and thus explaining the *proper use. Once I figured this out, it was disgusting. It took me back to the guy at the barbershop. It reminded me that, thats who WE are to them. Eventually they dispersed.

*Disclaimer: By 'proper', I mean the way an American would use it, someone who understands how to use it.

So out of nowhere this big girl starts beating the shit out of this dude, in the street in front of us. She was like really beating him. I think he was caught off guard, or thought she was playing, but then he noticed that she was serious, then he got serious. He was twice her size, then he started to come after her like micheal meyers, all slow with intensity. She ran. So the crew I was with thought it would be safer for me to be away from all this. They are very protective of me. I'm never alone. I get escorted to the bathroom, outside if I need to answer my phone, you name it. Good people. So he escorted us to this private patio area in the back of the club. It was just us, like 6 people.

So we start talking and they become very interested in the word nigga and its use. I knew this would come up during my time here, wasn't prepared to do it over Black Labels, but here goes. So I broke down the word Nigga into 4 categories: 1. referencing a friend or foe; 2. the Black people v. Niggas theory; 3. the origins of the word and its evolution and; 4. off limits to white people. So 1 can be easily explained using rap songs as an example, this is the one they are familiar with. 2 was a little tricky, but one of the guys' understanding of this was that it they are the uneducated bunch. I tried to piggy back off that and explain that its the ones who aren't doing anything, one who produces more negative than positive, ones who make the conscious choice to live 'the life' and thus make it more difficult for the rest by becoming self fulfilling prophecies. The ones who make the rest of ya'll look bad!(Coundn't help but to think of Kevin on The Office trying to describe the Chris Rock piece from the Diversity Day episode, hellllla funny.) 3 was easy to explain. Started with slavery, word to keep us oppressed, we flipped the script, well the young ones, and how we use it today. Or not use it depending on who you talk to. I tried to explain the (general) arguments for the younger v older generations and how and who chooses to still use the word and why. I realize this isn't the topic to generalize on, but for the sake of explaining all angles, I found it appropriate. 4 was also easy. I took it back to like the 90s (accompanied with a late 60s story with my dad) when people would actually fight 'others' using the word. I explained the difference between a white person using it now versus the 60s and 70s , but in either case, its not cool. Up to this point I tried to remain neutral, not revealing my stance on the word. But inevitably, I was asked. I explained that I used the word when I feel its appropriate, when I'm with like company who share the view. I explained that because of my environment, both now and in the past few years, between college, Max, and Namibia, my opportunities to use the word have decreased, but that I have no problem using it. My brother and I use it, in more of a joking context, but use of the word nonetheless. I am one of the people who can't stand when people who aren't Black use the word. Then I was shocked when one of them asked, “what about Puerto Ricans?” (Fat Joe is huge out here for some reason, so clearly thats where this came from) And I just started bustin up laughin cuz subconsciously, they ARE an exception to me. Like my senior ball date, Junior, a Puerto Rican, who said nigga as much as the rest of my friends. It never bothered me, I guess cuz he was raised around Black people, all his friends were Black, and he loved Black girls. But put a white person in his place? Its a NO go. Maybe I'm just biased, cuz no other ethnic group gets an exception from me. Its the same out here too though. I feel like, you're not a Black American so its not your word to use. I don't say that, but its how I feel.

“It is absolutely silly, and unproductive to have a funeral for the word 'nigger' when the Actions continue. We need to have a movement to resurrect brothers and sisters. Not a funeral for niggers...'cause niggers Don't Die.”
Eban Thomas, Song: Project Roach, Nas (N.I.G.G.A.)
--In reference to the NAACP and their 'funeral' to bury the word, hilarious.

So somehow we got onto the issue of interracial marriage. So here I am, voice of the Black American woman, explaining why Black women don't like it when Black men marry white women. I tried not to get too technical, but I suppose it was inevitable. I started running down the figures of Black men in prison, and as a result the amount of educated, successful (nah, forget successful...employed), heterosexual Black men were actually available. And within that group, the ones that 'made it', ie: 6 figures and/or famous, and the percentage of them that marry white women. If anything I was trying to explain the frustration and disappointment of it all. Personally, I don't care one way or the other. Admittedly, though, I've said my fair share of “aww Damns” when I see another one bite the dust. Lmao!

Lets talk about Black people. So I was explaining my anxieties about being sent to Africa and how Black Americans are under the impression that Africans don't like us. I don't who started this...rumor, but we've all heard it, and for any of us who plan on going, will research it. I told them that I worried at how people would respond to me, if they would like me, accept me, see me as Black, see me as family, kin. And much to my surprise, the answer was yes! They love me! So one of the guys explained that they don't like Americans because we have helped some of the countries that colonized Africa over time. Understandable. They told me I was welcome, and I told them I felt it. I explained how I felt being around them, like I was just with my cousins, chillin in the back yard, choppin it up, listening to music. It doesn't feel that different being around them then the Black people in the states, especially ones my age. So I brought up the comment the owner made earlier about “hangin with the Black people,” and reiterated that I really feel like, we're all Black, one big family, like distant cousins. Their faces just lit up, they obviously agreed.

Next topic: Why do people love Lil Wayne so much? I couldn't have imagined the conversation would take such a turn, but it did. So, briefly and to myself, I tried to come up with a suitable answer for why people take to him so much. Then I thought about his attitude, his personality. Here's what I came up with: Because, like me, I am who I am, you can take it or leave it. And I was serious. With every perfection and flaw that exists within him, or I, it is what it is. He is completely in love with himself, content, if not overly satisfied, by who he is, and for that reason, we love him. And for that reason you love me. Out loud I did the same analysis of myself, explaining that I'm just me and nothing or no one is going to change that. They appreciate that. By they I mean people, all people. As I am.

Then my internal analysis of myself began: When I got here I expected that I would have to conform to many things, but now I'm like, no thanx. I feel like the Namibian people would benefit far more from me if I was myself, rather than some adaptation of them. The way people respond to me, treat me, appreciate (social setting, not school) me, accept me, I would be a fool to force myself to conform to a lot of things. I'm like a mini celebrity, I can do no wrong, this influence creates opportunities unique to me and my experience, so in this sense, I'm lucky. Any Namibian woman who walked into a club, bought a Black Label, opened it with her teeth, then sat there and dared you say anything about it, would lose triple points. But not me, if anything, I think things like that make me more human to them, more approachable, within reach. Being American, then attractive by Namibian standards, puts me at a high rank full of expectations, then when I don't fit into that box, their like, cool, she's regular. They see I'm down to earth, free of any superiority complex, this puts them at ease. This wasn't meant to come off cocky. It doesn't mean that I'm careless. I know I represent PC and the US no matter where I am, it just means that I don't fit into the typical PCV box and fully intend on taking advantage of that opportunity The opportunity is rare for both parties and thus worth the acknowledgment and examination.

For example, most volunteers can't go out in the location and hang out like me. The fact that I'm Black gives me a pass, access. Not just Black, but I can kick it, lol. Consequently, I'm able to inform my people on the Black America they should know. I don't know how many opportunities will they get to be around an American that they share interests with, like music, clothes, cultural similarities, that they will be able to hang with like this, chill and vibe on this level. Like there are things that just seem universal for Black people, demeanor, attitude, pizazz, body language, these are things that make me feel like I'm just kickin it with any other group of Black people. We have so much in common, an invisible kinship. Indeed a unique experience for all of us. Its Beautiful.

Another example, my stance on alcohol with the community. Initially, I decided that I wouldn't consume alcohol in my village. That was short lived. Now its just boxed wine that I consume in my room, my learners never see me. But for many volunteers, the choice not to do so is because there is a huge problem with alcohol consumption in Namibia. Being Me, I've decided to teach responsible drinking, instead of a No Alcohol stance. First of all, I drink, and its never been a problem, never halted my growth, got me in trouble, or hurt anyone. Secondly, I just don't want to be a hypocrite. When the topic is raised, so far its been out of the classroom conversations, I explain the dangers of excessive alcohol consumption, how to drink responsibly, knowing your limits, and most important (for now), waiting till they are 18. :) I treat telling them not to drink alcohol like I treat the abstinence campaigns, the shit doesn't work. They're gonna do what they want, with or without your approval, so better they are prepared with information on how to be safe and responsible about it.

Last topic of the evening: Religion. Again, initially I wasn't gonna touch this, but I'm pretty good about assessing my audience. I'm respectful about it, but if you bring it?! I got sumthin for that ass!!! So on this particular evening I was asked why I wasn't a Christian. Just so people don't get it twisted, I take it back to the beginning. And perhaps, for those of you stateside who still don't understand me, this should help: I explained that I was baptized Catholic and was in catholic school for the majority of my years in education, including 2nd half of college. I inform them about a conversation with our priest that I had when I was in 7th grade. At All Hallows, the priest comes in twice a year to each class and allows the students to ask questions about the religion. A good idea, a way to hold them accountable I suppose. Before we were able to ask questions the priest had a story. The story was about a man who was rich, he had a mansion, several cars (one of which he drew on the board), and lots and lots of money. Then he said that this man wasn't giving any of his money to the church so he was therefore going to Hell. What. The. Fuck??? So having learned on how to question/challenge authority from my brother, I asked why on earth did he have to give ANYthing to the church? To which he replied, “Because God made it possible for him to have all these things.” I verbally disagreed and stated that HE made it happen, by going to school and working hard. So after a good 10min exchange Ms Gonsalves stopped me and told me that I was being rude and disrespectful. Not that I really thought about it before, but now my 'faith' was shattered. In the same session I had other questions, about Jesus, you know the rational hows and whys and the answer was always “you have to have faith.” Thats not enough for me. If I wasn't forced to go with the school to church every Friday, nothing was catholic about me at that point. It didn't help that around the same time people were coming forward all over the country about being molested by priests and how the Catholics had covered it up for so long. That was icing on the cake. Guess I've just been drifting until recently. So I didn't go into this much detail with them, but they got the picture. Then I brought up two other things: 1, the bible and how everyone is always referring to it, but how ridiculous it is that its been rewritten and translated so many times, do really think you're getting the Word? And 2, Why do you owe him EVERYTHING? (In my head I was thinking of that scene in Jackie Brown, when Ordell gets Beaumont (Beaumonts, brains out) out of jail, goes to his house and says “I hate to be the kinda nigga does a nigga a favor, then BAM! Hits a nigga up for a favor in return? But I'm afraid I gots to be that kinda nigga.” LMAO) But really like ok ok he died for you but now you gotta devote your whole life right back to him! Like thats hella selfish. If somebody did something for you out of the kindness of his heart, they would not expect repayment all like that. I'm just sayin. Its not my style to convert (or divert?) people, so I stopped.

That was the end to a long evening full of very interesting conversation. Before I left I was invited to their party they were giving for his brother the next day, Easter Sunday. And you KNOW I noted the irony of celebrating easter at a club with alcohol on their eeextra holy day. :)

So, Sunday, holiday, everything is closed, so I didn't do much. Sat around and watched the latest 30 Rock episodes that Nikki downloaded. Around 18h00 I started to get ready and was picked up around 19h30. We went to the same place, the private patio area where the party would take place. I opted out of Black Label tonight, me and the owner agreed to drink Amarula. This is a drink similar to Kahlua, a sweet milky liquor with the flavor of the fruit Amarula, a tree in South Africa. Its really good, smooth. So like any Namibian event there was meat, of course. We were celebrating his 23rd birthday with 50 of their closest friends. Everyone was served a piece of beef, maybe the size of a pork chop, along with a bread roll that had butter and a sausage stuffed inside. There was cake, but I didn't eat it. (Cuz I don't like cake, Kish :p) The rest of the night was pretty chill, we were just listening to music. I tried a Springbok shot for the first time: its Half Mint Liquor and half Amarula, soooo good. I only had one cuz I've heard horror stories about mint liquor. Weird: So these two girls came over to me and were like oh my god you're so beautiful! Can I have your number? Ummmm, yea weird, like I said.

Monday, or Easter Monday in Nam, was my travel day back to the village. I got to La Bamba (aka Shell gas station where I can get a venture ride to my village) at about 14h00 and didn't make it home till kinda late for some reason. Whatev.

The second week of April school has just been preparation for exams. All of my classes have been reviewing stuff about reading comprehension, form filling, extracting info from tables and graphs, and basic grammar stuff according the each class syllabus. So the end of April to the first week of May is ReReConnect, like another training and regroup after the first term of school. Then in a week or so we'll be heading out to Cape Town for about a week. Cape Town is the main tourist city in South Africa. All the volunteers we've talked to say that its just like America. They even have Micki D's!!! I'm hella juiced about that. I'm sure we don't really have a itinerary yet, but theres tons of stuff to so, from great restaurants, to swimming with the dolphins, safaris, and theres companies that blend several attractions for a flat rate that take you around. I'm really excited about it.

I'll return on Monday 24 May, then school starts on Wednesday. Then we have term 2 until August. I have the Southern Girls Conference the week of exams, then the Dirty Thirty has our mid-service conference. It will be our 1 year anniversary here, already!!! Then term 3, then out for December.

So I should do some clarifying before I end this blog post. My social life here is great, great people, great relationships, great memories...this part, while slightly premature, I will definitely miss. The other part, the job...not so much. Ok, lemme go back, my kids, I love them...most of them. They make the rest of the school bullshit worth while. So if you're on facebook you see that I frequently post my frustration with school and the people in it. For example, the food situation. It was break time and the workers were not ready to serve mere slices of bread on time. The 40min time passed and not all learners were given their portion. The principal went over to the kitchen and told them to stop serving because they had to get back to class. Leaving most of upper primary, grades 5-7, unserved and hungry. I was unaware of what was going on until my 7b class, my favs, came with sad faces and hands clinching their stomachs. I asked what was wrong and they told me they did get to eat. My kids already know my stance on this, no food=no school. But for those who still felt up to it I changed the poetry assignment from the current one to writing a poem about why they were upset. Some of them were striking. Maybe I'll post a few with their permission. After I gave the assignment, I immediately went to the principal asking him why my kids didn't eat. He said there was no time and they must get back to class. I was furious, especially because 3 of the 8 upper primary teachers weren't even here so what the hell are they rushing back to? So we start going back and forth, he tells me that these Namibian kids can go all day with no food and that I'm just worried cuz I'm American. I explained to him that food is a Right, not a Privilege, not something they are allowed to be deprived of. He tried to convince me that the kids were just acting pitiful for me, but it didn't matter if they were puttin dubs on it, the fact remains.

So its just a series stupid shit that pisses me off so much. Or in the daily morning meeting at whatever point they decide to stop speaking English, I just get up and leave. I guess I'm over that. Or when they try to teach me Afrikaans, and I'm thinkin like, thats the colonizers language, why do you think its so great?! How hard did you have to fight to overrule that shit?! Stop speaking it to me! It doesn't help that my mood swings are swift and without notice. Sometimes I'm really social in the village, like hanging out, walking, having the kids over, then other times I don't want to be bothered by anyone. Sometimes I just want to be in my room, in my world, but inevitably, someone wants to know where I am, why I'm not outside washing clothes, so they'll come over...i don't answer. They'll call..i don't answer, they'll knock on my damn bedroom window, this is when I get pissed. I move the curtain with noticeable irritation and a look that is uninviting. The conversation usually leads me to say, “no I'm fine” then slamming the curtain back down.

There are times I feel like, ok, I'm here to help, to assist in any way I can to somehow improve their lives, but in the same breath and for the same things, I feel like I'm a fucking tool. I feel like their used to the volunteer doing shit for them, so thats what they expect of me. For example, there is a teacher that always needs me to type stuff for him. Usually its no big deal, but this past week he asked me like everyday to type this letter like 5x throughout the week. I'm thinking like, why can't he do it?! He owns a laptop, so he can, but he asks me instead. I told him when I had time and went to do it then. I finished it during our break time. As he walks into his office I just finished and told him I was done. He asks, “with both of them?” It took so much restraint not to go off, but instead I just said, “you could type it.” and I walked out. I'm not typing shit else unless its directly related to something I'm involved in. Fuck that. So as a response to this, among other things, I intend on having a meeting with the school staff about what a Peace Corps Volunteer is and what I'm supposed to be doing. I have to explain that my Primary Project is teaching, thats it. My Secondary project, whatever that may be, is NOT something to be started, nor lead, by me, but rather someone at the school or community. Because I'm their 5th volunteer they have this skewed idea about who we are and what we're supposed to do. They are used to volunteer starting and leading projects where they just sit back and watch or take orders. Problem with that: there are NO projects from the previous volunteers that are still running, NOTHING has been sustainable. (This is with the exception of the library, built by the 1st volunteer, and since then maintained by the volunteers.) Sustainability is what we are after, what do you do when nothing is sustainable? Sustainability relies on the idea that a native counterpart leads the project and assumes all responsibility upon your departure. There are projects on the table, but I'm seeing little effort on their part, so therefore I don't budge. If I don't do anything but focus on my classroom during my 2 years, I've done my job. Its taken a while to wrap my head around that, but I won't contribute to enabling inactivity. They've become dependent, I can't even blame them for that. What I can do is inform them of how to get the most out of their last PCV, how to utilize resources, and just how to do things on their own.

So I guess I'm having a dual experience. Extreme highs and lows, as expected. Its cool, but I must say I impressed by myself for not going off on someone yet. <~~~Written 11 April

The Going Off (April 12):
So I get called into the principals office. He tells me that they need my N$60 to contribute toward the cluster fund. And I tell him that I'm the volunteer and therefore, will not pay anything toward the school. Then he brought out the books from the previous years showing me that all the volunteers before me paid. So, of course, I was like well I'm OBVIOUSLY NOT them and I won't pay anything!!! He told me to calm down and listen, he explained that this money was going to the cluster so that we can help each other when we meet. So I said the cluster didn't help me with anything, in fact, they gave me the responsibility of writing a scheme of work for grade 6 for the cluster, I've gotten absolutely NO guidance from them. Then he said that the money pays for our transportation to the other schools and pays for the dinner thats served when we go. I said I wasn't paying just so we can eat sausage and brochen (bread rolls) every time we have a meeting. More importantly, you know everything that happened to me over the last holiday AND you know how much I get paid, so how do you really expect your volunteer to have to pay for this?! His answer, yes. Then he suggested that I should explain to the staff what happened over the holiday to they'll understand why I'm not paying. I was like I'm explaining anything cuz I don't owe ANYONE an explanation. I said I was insulted and offended that I would be expected to pay for this and then get compared to teachers that get thousands more a month than I. He had the nerve to say that the money was coming out of his pocket. So I said, yea, the principals salary pocket, not the Peace Corps Volunteer stipend. Then he kept saying how shocked he was, my reply, so am I that you would really expect your VOLUNTEER to give money. I told him that if it was gonna be an issue then he could call my Peace Corps supervisor, and that if anybody else had a problem with this, they could come see me about it. Fuck this shit mann...

Randomism:
````I now weigh 165! What What....hopefully I can still say this Post Cape Town.
````The volunteer, from group29, I'm working with for Southern Girls Conference is from Sac!, well Roseville, but close enough, and she said another guy in her group is also from Sac...super small world.
````An original member of the Dirty Thirty has departed, but we picked up another member in the process, so we remain 30.
````Pres. Barack Obama has appointed Arron Williams as the Director of Peace Corps! Yes, he is Black and a former volunteer serving the Dominican Republic '67-'70.
````PC Namibia also has a new director, Gilbert Collins, I'll be meeting him during our training. He's also Black. Born in Germany, raised in Milwaukee, fluent in 5 languages and a Harvard and Princeton grad. Country directors can only serve for two years, so he'll basically be here for the Dirty Thirty's service. :)
````I finished the Twilight series and am thoroughly satisfied.
````I have accomplished my first goal as a PCV at site: to activate Internet. Our computer technician came yesterday (4/22) and hooked up the proper way since the internet people couldn't do t right. So, CHECK for term 1. What this means now: I have to start giving computer classes to the teachers. There are only 3 working computers, so my next goal is to have a full computer lab, maybe like 30 computers or so. If you know of any programs that donate computers, don't hesitate to hit me up!
````So after some basic research, I think a good place to start my study of sexual deviance would be to read Lotita. I'll be starting that soon. And just to clarify, after seeing google search results, my research will not include forceful (criminal, with the exception of prostitution) sexual deviance. I am no where near narrowing down my focus, but I know for sure that sex offenders is not the direction. More like prostitutes, porn stars, strippers, voyeurism, fetishism and the like. Also, I want the research from those NOT affected by any childhood sexual incidents, those who literally make the choice without a predisposition.

Twilight Series Quick Recap:
Twilight: Bella meets Edward, they fall deeply in love.
New Moon: Edward leaves Bella, for her safety, but they reconnect by the end.
Eclipse: Bella prepares for her life as a vampire, she struggles with loving Edward along with the guy, Jacob, who was there for her when Edward left her cold and dry. There is a love triangle. Edward understands why she loves Jacob too and he's not angry about it, he doesn't want her to love him, but he knows ultimately that its his fault she ever had to go to Jacob in the first place. Its an interesting dynamic. I wonder how many men would understand the possibility that their girl could actually love 2 men at once, she loves both of them for completely different reasons and by the end realizes she's IN LOVE with Jacob also. Again, Edward understands, doesn't like it, but understands it enough to allow her to be around Jacob whenever she wants, completely leaving it to her to choose. Of course, she chooses Edward.
Breaking Dawn: Edward and Bella get married. They somehow conceive a baby while she is still human, something they didn't know was possible. She carries the rapidly growing baby for a few weeks before she is delivered. She doesn't survive the birth so Edward takes that opportunity to inject her with the venom to make her immortal, all she's ever asked of him. Her transformation is impeccable. She is not like other newborn vampires, she has perfect self control. Their child, half-human half-vampire, has a beating heart, blood in her veins, sleeps, but is perfect in appearance, only wants to drink blood and is gifted in that when she touches you you can see whatever images she puts in your head; Her preferred way of communication. I've left out a lot of important details for the sake of focusing on the love story. But I should tell you about Jacob. He is part wolf, bloodline to Native American wolves. Enemies to the vampires. Wolves have this thing where they imprint on someone, their version of love at first sight, once you imprint someone, btw completely out of your control, you are forever connected and devoted to that person, no matter who it is, how they look, or their age. Jacob, by the middle of book 4, imprints of Bellas newborn, but rapidly growing daughter. While she is young, its his job to give her whatever she wants and to make sure that she is always happy and safe. This has become his mission in life. It sounds crazy. I loved it. I can't wait to see the other movies! Oh, and they lived happily ever after.

Is my blog not what you expected? Not sorry. Seriously though, I wish a could paint a dreamy picture of my pc experience. I wish I felt like I was actually changing lives everyday, getting down and dirty in the village working with hard working people towards a single unified goal. I wish I was amongst people who actually liked teaching, liked kids, passionate about education. I wish I was the model volunteer that already had a language tutor in the community, has already kicked off the community garden, the one who is always outside, integrating, putting on the biggest and brightest American smile one can ever see. I wish I loved the village. I wish I loved all the mysterious looking bugs that I've never seen in my life, and usually never see again, in my room, at night. I wish I loved my cold showers, I know I will in the winter time. I wish I loved how my malaria pills taste and how they make me feel no matter what time of the day I take it. I wish I loved Knorrs soup packets and macaroni. I wish I was actually supposed to take pepto tablets everyday, like vitamins, to render my gastro intestinal issues that never stop. I wish I loved being the only person who actually speaks English properly. I wish I hated Taco Bell. I wish I hated living in such an immaculate metropolis as LAC. I wish I hated cheese, real cheese. I wish I hated Mexican Food. I wish I hated TV. As I look outside at the Namibian night sky, I see a billion stars to wish upon. We'll see what happens.