Lost in Translation....or so I thought.

So in an effort to not bombard you with months worth of goings-on I will make an attempt to post more frequently. I can now post from my phone, but thats only as reliable as my email chooses to be on that day. Perhaps I will post from my phone when I think I have something important to say. Maybe thoughts about whatever that I wish to share with you, for whatever reason. Life in the village
is pretty boring so I have plenty of time to think about a bunch of other stuff not necessarily related to anything going on in Africa. Also, for those of you on my email list: If you wish to be removed from this list please reply requesting a removal.


Scene: I'm in my new room (I'll explain), both large windows and curtains (government issued sheets) are pulled back. Its been raining all day today. Thankfully the power hasn't gone out...yet. I'm wearing some Adidas track sweats that I found in the PC volunteer lounge, they're blue with green trim, very large for me and very comfortable. I have my gray LMU shirt on with my hot pink Old Navy fleece over it. I'm kinda cold, but I'm lovin this weather. I'm really trying to absorb it. I'm sitting on my bed, my back is to the school and from my side window I can see my back yard, along with my neighbors, and into the bush. I'm not listening to music today. I'm simply enjoying the sound of the rain.

So last time I posted I was in town. It was uneventful considering I hadn't been there in 5 weeks, which is a record for me to be in the village, but due to financial issues, I had no choice. I spent most of that friday in the Teacher Resource Center on the computer trying to find the right program for my laptop. So I bought this netbook (a condensed laptop with no disk drive) but the problem I'm having is that its not Microsoft Windows, but rather Linpus Linux Lite...whatever the hell that means. The system is perfect for someone only wanting to use Internet (primary function for netbook consumers) but trying to change any of the default settings is extremely difficult. Its designs that way for a reason, people that want to change things about it, typically won't purchase that type of computer. Needless to say, for even the slightest advanced computer user, its not user friendly. The problem: I can't play any audio thats not mp3 and it won't play any video. The solution: Codec package. Great I have that but installing it is a huge issue. Its not just double click and run. Its hella complicated and I haven't been able to figure it out yet. So basically, my Friday was spent on message boards reading about this problem and learning that a bunch of others with the same computer faced similar issues. Great.

Saturday I went into town to take care of some business: got my edges trimmed, did my grocery shopping, went to 2 internet places to see if they had any know-how about my new computer system. The rest of the weekend was quiet, nothing major. Oh, there was valentines, but whoop-ti-doo. Ya know, I was in a relationship every year since 10th grade on this day and its never been a big deal, why??? I've grown as angry as single people usually are about it. Whatevs, guess its just not in my cards.

Monday I returned back to the village as there is no transport on Sundays. When I got home I saw that my counterpart, a male teacher, and his two sons (21 and 8) moved into my house. Now, it wasn't a problem for me because I totally trust this teacher and his sons are as polite and respectful as he. I knew, however, that Peace Corps wouldn't go for it. I'm not sure what it was but when they moved in the house suddenly felt like a home. Up til now I had been living with a female teacher. It was just cold. I felt like I couldn't put my kitchen things in the kitchen, couldn't leave pantry food out, couldn't leave my door open, or unlocked for that matter. I can't say it was anything she did, but it just didn't feel like home. So now here I am in this house with 2 men and a little boy. I feel completely safe. I began to put all my kitchen stuff out (utensils, water filter, dishes, pantry food etc.). I frequently left my door open when I was home, which I never did before. I laid down in my room with the door open. I didn't have to close it every time I left. It just felt right. I guess the type of teacher he is was why it was ok. He was very straight-forward, a problem solver. As far as work ethic goes, he's easily my fav. It was like there was an unspoken agreement about my space and they respected that. It was easy living with them.

On Wednesday, my Peace Corps supervisor, along with the volunteer I replaced, BriAnne, came to do a routine site visit to make sure everything was in order. Not to my surprise, he was very upset by my new living arrangement. I told him it was ok and I felt extremely safe, but that didn't matter. It was a matter of policy. It would only be alright if his wife stayed here permanently, which to my counterpart, wasn't an option. He would have to move.

After we got passed that issue I was asked some basic questions about teaching and settling into the community. Everything was ok, no big deal. After he filled out the paperwork, enough with the formal stuff. He asked, “Now Ashley how are you really doing?” And I responded honestly, “I don't know why I'm here. I don't understand how this school is now at its 5th volunteer. There is clearly no need for me. They don't utilize the volunteer as an addition to the staff, but rather, I'm a part of the staff. They give me the same 'duties' they have given to all the volunteers before me.” I continued to explain that sustainability wasn't really an option with few to no eager soul attempting to start or take over any projects outside the realm of their classrooms. To which I got a typical “Peace Corps” reply, “The kids are sustainable.” Correct, I agree whole-heartedly. I didn't say this, but I feel like the kids are sustainable EVERYWHERE, but why do you insist on sending people here? So even though I didn't say that, I was assured that I was NOT going to be replaced by another volunteer. Good. I was also assured that just focusing on my teaching and classroom, they complimented my classroom and assumed my teaching was on the same level, was fine and if there were little to no prospect for secondary projects, thats ok. That was helpful to hear, I felt relieved and reassured. I guess I liked knowing that they agreed with what I was saying and would have my back if it were a problem.

The rest of the week went in a flash and by friday my new roomies were moving out. At the time I was in the smallest room in the house. A nice sized room for a kid, but for me with stuff and a slight case of claustrophobia, I wanted to move rooms . The other two rooms are much bigger, both of which are similar in size. There's the first room. I don't really like that one because it only has 1 window and a weak flow of air, thats the room I was in when I lived with Alvee next door. It was a dim room because of the porch. So dim, warm....not my cup of tea. The previous teacher I was living with was moving back, she had the master bedroom before. While all this moving was going on my principal/supervisor keep asking my why I don't move into the larger room. I've always been polite about it, not wanting to displace anyone. So it wasn't an issue before. But now, the room was empty, the teacher moving back in had already put in a transfer request (and because of her daughter's disability she had special consideration and more likely to go at any time), and I'd just received another visit, this time from the secretary telling me to move into the big room. So right then and there I decided to move into the master bedroom suite. Virtually twice the size as the room I was in. There were tons on kids helping the other teachers move so when they saw me carrying stuff, they were eager to help. I probably carried all of 1 bag, they did the rest. They like helping me.

The female teacher shows up, also having moved hardly anything by herself, and noticed I have taken the room that was previously hers. She asked why I didn't tell her and I said “I didn't think it would be a problem because you will be leaving soon and besides,” noticing she wasn't buying that, “everyone has been telling me for weeks to move into the larger space.” SHE.WAS.HOT. She quickly asked what would happen with her spokes (curtain lines) as if that would encourage me to move back to half the space. To which I replied, “Oh yea, take them.” lighthearted and in agreement. She went into the supposed living room, which has become her kitchen, and hops on the phone. I don't have to know the language to know that her anger grew with each word. One of the kids came and told me that she didn't want to help me and that she didn't like me in this room. I shrugged, indifferent. I spent the rest of the day organizing my things. My wardrobe didn't fit through the angle of the doorway so now I don't have anywhere to hang my clothes. I can still use it, its in the room I was in, but her stuff is also in that room so I'd rather not.

Saturday was a nice day. I committed myself to laundry that hadn't been done in 5 weeks. I figured it would take all day and thus filling time. It seemed like everyone was out doing laundry also. Everyone sits outside with their buckets and wash basins. Their pretty thorough here, like they wash bed sheets and curtains weekly. Thats crazy. I'd learned previously about the color of the water so I washed methodically. Whites, bright colors, then dark colors and black. I dumped that water out and refilled to wash my towels and bed sheets. I started about 7am that morning and wasn't done until about 2pm. I wasn't even being as thorough as usual, just target areas (arm pits, crotch) and spots, but it still took forever. As I was washing the last item, my sheet, some learners were told to pick the weeds from my backyard. As I said in the previous post, weeds are grass. They have shovels and they skim about a centimeter deep to loosen the root and another comes behind them to rake it up until there is only a hard layer of sand or dirt. They were out there all day. I stayed with them. I guess they were avoiding cleaning another teaches yard they didn't like, but I enjoyed their company. Sure didn't ask to help though, :) I gave them candy and made punch a few times giving them frequent breaks. I attempted to be a good host, plus I know they don't get shit from the other teachers they help. We were on my back porch laughing and playing around til about 6pm when they went to dinner. I closed up shop. I went into my luxurious new palace and started looking through magazines for cut-outs to place on my wall.

Sunday morning I got up early. I showered and went to my classroom to grab a few things. I was determined to decorate my room. It took my all day, but looks good. Most of the walls are covered with magazine stuff: pics of Hally, Beyonce, Jay-Z, Eva L., Scarlette JH, Mariah Carey, Janet, Kardashian, Kendra, Rachel Zoe, some jewelry adds, perfumes, perfect body models, name brands, tv shows I watch, and some make-up stuff. Then I have other stuff color coded scattered throughout the wall. The orange is food recipes, the pink is publications from the volunteer generated newsletter, and the blue is language stuff I should work on. Also scattered are statements I should remind myself constantly to stay here and sane: 1. Everything happens only as it should; challenge: to understand why. 2. Primary project: the learners. Secondary project: the learners. 3. Remember: You are merely planting a seed. 4. Stay Inspired. 5. This experience is bigger than YOU!!! -than your emotions, -than your happiness, -than your stability. 6. Remember WHY you joined the Peace Corps. How bad you wanted it. How long you waited to go. How much you sacrificed. Between all that are letters/poems written by my brother, and cards from my mom, Max, and Nasir. So yea, it kinda looks like a teenagers room, but its reminders of home, America the Beautiful. I have advertisements for things I don't own, and probably never will, but it makes me feel comfortable, like I'm back in the wonderful materialistic/superficial world of Los Angeles. There's a Sephora ad, but I only wear cheap make up; there's an ad for Coach and Tiffany's and Co, both of which I will probably never own (both my choice and lack of means); an ad for Ralph Lauren, this is more of an ode to Max, his favorite brand; oh, and a Peach Snapple ad, cuz i just like Peach Snapple. :) I suppose my new goal is to completely cover the walls with randomness that makes me happy so if you could send me your old magazines I would appreciate it, c'mon it'll cost no more than $5 to do so.

One of the walls, well half of it, are the principals of the Kybalion. So a former co-worker and friend turned me on to this book, noting my non-traditional belief system I follow. The Kybalion: A Study of the Hermetic Philosophy of Ancient Egypt and Greece. “The Lips of Wisdom are Closed, except to the Ears of Understanding.”- The Kybalion. This text is really amazing. It one of those books that is timeless and applies to everything. I appreciate its laws and how they apply to me and my life and how I'm only subject to which I cannot overcome. Once I have gained a higher level of consciousness, I am, literally, in complete control.

So, in case you've missed it, here's my philosophy: I, the soul, created this life before it began. Each and every moment, action, activity, incident, was planned. The people I've met, and loss, the places I've been, and avoided: All the plan. I.AM.GOD.

If this bothers you, don't send me messages with religious bruhaha, just walk away, peacefully.

Because my life is planned and its occurrences are deliberate, I am forced to trust everything that happens. For example: when all my stuff was stolen, I was initially shocked, but thats all. I accepted that it was the plan. That for whatever reason I was not supposed to have those things anymore. I have even gone as far as to assume that some family is somehow living better because of their new...things. I hope some mom has nicer clothes to wear to work now, some kid can finally learn how to operate a computer, some teenager is enjoying my jewelry, some kid no longer has to sleep on the hard floor as he now has a thick padded sleeping bag, and perhaps the cash funded much needed food. I didn't think this thoroughly when it happened, but I was sure that it was supposed to happen. It gave me a sense of calm that, prior to this philosophy, I didn't possess. This is the base of everything I believe.

All truths are but half-truths and all paradoxes can be reconciled. -The Kybalion

Anything else is in addition to this. The Kybalion is in addition to this. A series of other ideals like I.AM.GOD. comes directly from the 5%er philosophy that teaches that we are all gods, no one is above or below. I don't agree entirely because I only apply my philosophy to ME and no one else. And from Eastern Philosophies I have adopted reincarnation to my existence. I don't believe that this is my only lifetime. I'm sure I will have many more. Its a pretty good feeling. I never feel defeated. I never feel like I'm not accomplishing enough. I won't feel like my life is incomplete because I know I will return. I haven't decided as to whether or not I've been here before, but I will certainly be back. I love it when people say, “you only got one life to live.” I love it because it doesn't apply to me. On the other hand I feel sad for them, I see the defeat, the incompleteness, the long list of unattained goals, the dilemma of living the life they want versus the hand they've been dealt. I'm free. I am at the mercy of no one. Its truly an amazing feeling having been the creator of your own universe.

I don't expect nor encourage people to see the world as I. I really don't care how others view things. And while I'm at it, this is the respectful approach. I refuse to bombard anyone with my beliefs with forceful aggression to adopt my views, and I expect the same courtesy. I don't care what you follow, who you believe in, what you live by.....just don't bring it my way. Deal? For the first time in my life I know exactly what and who I am. I am what I created. Thats it. I am still growing. I am still learning. I am still reaching higher levels of consciousness. I don't need your babble about what you believe. Keep it to your damn self or go harass anotha Sucka (with my dad's voice and tone in mind).

But I digress...

So lets talk about food. I have been forced into a few creative food situations as of late; with either my lack of choices (ingredients) and/or power outages, I've had to pull some meals out of the hat. I'm getting more and more creative with each day as my options dwindle.

Lets call this new section VulnerableVentures in Culinary Namibia:
 Meal: Butter and Onion sandwich. Cause: power outage.
 So as the power went out my stomach roared. I needed food, but unfortunately everything I had needed to be cooked. I had bread, butter, onions, carrots, and seasoning. I was hungry and determined to be satisfied by what was available.
 What you need: bread, butter, onions, garlic salt, pepper
 Alternatives: whatever seasoning you want
 Recipe: Wheat bread, place butter on both pieces of bread, a nice layer is necessary; Sprinkle garlic salt on one slice and pepper on the other slice. Cut onions to your preference. Place onions as needed, if you have time, spelling things out or making pictures with the onions may brighten your mood, seeing as how the power is out. Place bread together, Enjoy.


 Meal: Bread and Gravy Delight. Cause: bread was starting to turn green.
 So I knew I had to use the bread as there was still another untouched loaf in the fridge. I had a few gravy packets, onions and eggs. I wasn't sure what I would do, but it came swiftly and I was amazed at the outcome.
 What you need: bread, onions, gravy, eggs, butter, electricity*
 Alternatives: Good w/out eggs, but not as filling. Also, a cheese sauce in lieu of gravy would be awesome.
 Recipe: butter 3 slices of wheat bread, both sides. Place them in a pan to grill on low heat. Slice onions and sauté them in butter. Add 1.5cups of water to the onions and add the gravy packet. Let onions and gravy come to a boil for 2mins and remove from heat. Watch your bread, as not having a non-stick pan can become problematic. In another pan make scrambled eggs. When all three are done place bread directly on plate. Spoon scrambled eggs evenly across the slices. Then pour a generous portion of gravy and onions atop the bread and eggs. It will be messy so try to clean up a little while the gravy is soaking into the bread. I find a spoon works best. Enjoy.


 Meal: Grilled Peanut Butter sandwich with a Twist. Cause: Sweet tooth...and use of bread
 I wanted something sweet, but not in the form of candy, something savory. I headed for the kitchen to assess what I already knew I had. I decided I would make a grilled pb sandwich. While looking through my “pantry” area I still had frosted flakes and some honey. I thought, “these'll be nice additions to the meal, neh?” So it was.
 What you need: bread, butter, peanut butter, honey, frosted flakes, electricity*
 Alternatives: Substitute honey for nutella. Substitute cereal for anything sweet and/or crunchy.
 Recipe: Butter one side of each slice of bread, on the other side place a generous portion of peanut butter (also, this is messy, so it would totally suck if the WATER was turned OFF while you were cooking this meal, yes SUCK). Place the buttered side face down in the pan on medium heat. When you notice the physical properties of the peanut butter change its time to add a few sprinkles of the frosted flakes and some swirls of honey to taste. Remove each slice separately, stack on plate. Enjoy!

*denotes alternative: gas stove, or over the fire, I suppose.

Random: So I've been thinking about what I'm gonna do when I return. I realize that its not til the end of next year, but I feel like it'll come faster than I think. By 'do' I mean as a career. Up to now I have wanted to be a teacher, never quite settled on the grade, but a teacher nonetheless. I've decided that I don't think thats what I want to do. There's a lot of aspects I enjoy about teaching, the kids, the security, the summers off :), but I don't know if I am as passionate as I tell myself I am. I'm not sure if I would be wiling to stick in there if I had to be under horrible management, like I was at last year at a school in south LA. The principal I worked for was awful and in many ways, made it easy to not want to be there. The counterproductivity was all too frequent. I feel like if I decide to teach it needs to be in inner city school, mainly where, unfortunately, poor management is all too present. A part of me feels like if I have to question myself at all, thats enough to tell me thats not for me. I'm not quite sure what to do. Then I posed a question to myself: If you didn't feel obligated to serve the 'worlds' children, what would you be doing with your life? Answer: I would be a Sociologist specializing in the study of Sexual Deviants. Wow, hell of a jump, neh? I'm really intrigued by sociology. Those were my favorite classes in college. I love how open it is and how much can be discovered. I love the flexibility and application to various outlets. I don't know how to make a career out of it, but then again I haven't researched it. Los Angeles is home to some of the best Sociology grad programs in the country, that helps. I guess I'm just puzzled on what to do, how to do it, and how to know if its what I really want. Is it possible that I could join the two? Study sexual deviance amongst youth? The lack of sex education in school? The abundance of “sex” in the faces of the next generation? I'll always be interested and a part of education one way or another, also I'm intrigued by those that choose to deviate from sexual norms, especially those making careers out of it. In a perfect world I would be the superintendent of education for the United States and the Head Sociologist for the study of sexual behaviors at the University of the United States, lol yea, Me and Hakeem in the same place. I appreciate any suggestions or recommendations should you have them.


Books: So somehow I've turned into a slight reader in my time here. Perhaps its because I can't watch anything right now but whatev. So here's what I've read so far...in the last month:
 Bright Shiny Lights, James Frey
 Dude, Where's my Country?, Michael Moore
 Finding Freedom: Stories from Death Row, Jarvis Masters
 Twilight, Stephanie Meyer
 The Kybalion, The Three Initiates
 Stupid History, Leland Gregory
Here is what I'm currently reading:
 I am America and so can you, Stephen Colbert
 My Boring-Ass Life, Kevin Smith
 Out of It, Stuart Walton
 New Moon, Stephanie Meyer
 Transformation Soup, Sark
 The Alchemist

If there is something you want to send, by all means. Oh, no history books, thanx.

So I actually just finished Twilight today, I started yesterday. I've seen the movie quite a bit, but I figured that since I'm in the mood to read that may be a good series, to the disappointment of Max because I am reminded that these books are designed for 12 year old girls. Whatevs. I loved the book. I love love stories. The intense passion between the characters is amazing. The modern day Romeo and Juliet with a vampiric twist. I love it. So if you don't know the story: Its about Bella who moves to a small town in Washington with her dad because her mom is remarried and is travelling with her new hubby. She is a junior in hs when she becomes dangerously attracted to this boy, Edward. A series of “unexplainables” occur and she discovers that he is a vampire. By the time she has this information she already has fallen irrevocably in love with him. She ignores his warnings to stay away from him knowing that she would be his easiest, yet most difficult prey. He is equally drawn to her as she is to him. The more time they spend together, the less they can stand to be apart. I have just started the second book, but she has a close encounter in the first and desperately wants to be a vampire so that she can truly be with him forever. He despises the idea.

Stories like this always have me thinking about love and how we approach it. I question whether or not I have it all wrong. I guess I really love the story because I find parallels from my life. I suppose I am more of a mechanical thinker, rational. I tend not to think with my heart, but I'm slowly learning that its probably better for me to do so. My senior year in high school I choreographed a dance piece that signified the search for love and finding the greatest love of all. The piece was beautiful, considering I'd never choreographed anything before. The moves were purely generated from my heart. My heart, in the possession of a 23 year old with long beautiful hair and an angelic spirit. Like Bella, I was head over heels, can't see straight, crazy in love with this man I had just met. Forever didn't seem like enough time with him. He was beautiful, intelligent, spiritual in ways that challenged my thoughts and wise far, far beyond his years. Like Edward, he was different from the other guys in my life. He was quiet, kept to himself, not wanting to be in the spotlight or draw attention, but you can't help but to notice him the second he walks into a room. His confidence, sense of...cool, is striking. You can try to take your eyes off of him, but you're still paying very close attention. He inspires me to be more, to do more. He expects only the best. He sees qualities in me that I don't see in myself. And though, like Bella, I believe I am more closer to ordinary in comparison to him, he sees everything that I am and
reminds me I couldn't be more wrong. He sees beauty in my flaws. He sees perfection in our love, and I agree. As we approach our 6th year anniversary I reflect on the beginning.

The day we met. April 20, 2004 (4-20/Senior Ditch Day) I'm at Jamba Juice with Serina, heavily under the influence and in desperate need of a bathroom. I see him in the line about 3 people behind me. Gorgeous, wearing an old school sun hat, slightly tilted to the side, not paying any attention to me. He's standing next to another guy, paying close attention to me. I find my way to the bathroom, then sit near the door as Serina finishes up with her boyfriend behind the counter. He has his drink and is on the way out. He passes me. Then turns around and walks toward me. (His explanation is that God told him I was the one so he had to turn back.) He asks my name and tells me that I am nice looking. He asked for my number and I gave him the real one, something I had never done before, I mean, my fake number was memorized. Later that night he left me a message leaving his number. I couldn't quite understand the last 2 digits so I had to figure it out the hard way: listen to the message a billion times and come up with possible number combinations, then call. I began to feel anxious. I didn't even know him, but something about him was drawing me in. I needed to talk to him. About 12 combinations later I finally reached him. We had basic conversation. It was nice to talk to him. Within 2 weeks we were together. It was exciting. He was the furthest thing from anything I had been with before. He possessed qualities I see in my dad and brother, though the three would never admit it, my mom sees the same. Fast forwarding 3 years ahead while living together in Inglewood, I thought with my head and left. We were apart for a year. I think we needed the break, its become a healthy rehab in my opinion. By the next year, rational thought wasn't working in my favor. I needed something, bad. It was him. Only him. Nothing or no one can hold my heart the way he does. Once I got passed the “earthly” and “human” issues we had, it was an easy decision. While we still had things to work through, it was becoming increasingly insignificant in the scheme of our love. He had to be back in my life, and this time: for good. The more I grow the closer we become. I am still playing catch-up, for he is light years ahead of
me in the journey, but we remain side-by-side. My eternal partner, then, now, and forever.

Thats all I have for now. Hope you enjoyed it!

Update: So the creative part of me has drowned so with my desire to eat food. I wrote this last Saturday. On Sunday I made this large pot of rice with a soup packet and for some retarded reason I added a marinade packet expecting for it to be appetizing. It wasn't. It was effing gross. I had maybe a few spoons full and then put it in the fridge. Its Thursday night, its still there.

On Sunday(2/28) I was invited for a walk with some local peers. I'm not entirely sure how far we walked but we were out from 2pm to about 9pm. I got to go to all the local villages around here, it was nice. So now we walk everyday for a few hours. I'm about 5 days in and still so sore from it all.

Special Solicitation:
At the end of April the Dirty Thirty has a training for about a week and a half. Immediately following a bunch of us will go to Swakop to have some fun, then head down to Cape Town, South Africa for a week. Seeing as how travelling was one of my motivations for joining the Peace Corps I’m going, no matter how broke I am, or how much macaroni and soup packets I have to eat until then. So here’s where YOU fit in, if you would like to contribute to this trip you may do so by contacting either of my parents to make a deposit. Thanks so much!!!

Sharp Sharp (sounds like shop shop, like saying good bye for Namibian youth)